


Akatsuki Cafe

by Swanket



Category: Naruto
Genre: Akatsuki being shit at their job, Attempt at Humor, Café, Crack, Gen, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:14:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24193393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swanket/pseuds/Swanket
Summary: The Akatsuki are in hell, and are dealing with a punishment for their crimes on earth.They have to serve customers at a cafe for months without harming anyone.As expected, it doesn’t go very well.
Comments: 26
Kudos: 67





	1. Hidan and Sasori

In the deep depths of hell, the Akatsuki were paying for their awful deeds from their lives on earth.

It was awful. The worst kind of torture! 

No, they weren’t getting burned alive.

No, they weren’t getting whipped and beaten by the demons.

They’d rather get their stomachs gutted than withstand this torture!

“Goddamnit Hidan! You turned this cafe into a bloodbath!”

“You’ve got to be kidding me. Now we have another month of this to endure.”

“You fool. I should turn you into a puppet for that!”

“I couldn’t help it, assholes!” Hidan yelled, gesturing to the bloody bodies that were lying on the floor, “I have to do it for Jashin!”

“Those were our customers, idiot!” Deidara yelled. 

“Are you stupid?” Kakuzu growled, “You’re dead, you brain dead numbskull. Your ‘god’ took away your immortality, so there’s no point in you slaughtering for him! You just added extra time for this shit!”

Everyone began to yell at the albino. Pointing fingers, getting in his face, and all that shit.

Itachi rubbed his head. He thinks his stress lines might have grown from that.

The Uchiha sighed, then said, “Let’s just clean up and start over. The day resets tomorrow. At least try to not commit any monstrosities.”

His eyes sneakily glanced at Hidan, but the man was too dumb to see the implication.

They all agreed, but there was a problem. 

They always agreed to start over, but never followed through.

The next day, Sasori was just not having it.

“Uhh, one oreo crumble frappe with extra whipped cream,” a woman requested, staring at the redhead with no emotion. Sasori’s tired eyes looked up at her as if to say ‘really?’. 

“Want some coffee with that sugar?” he couldn’t help but mumble.

The woman glared at him, “How rude! You shouldn’t be judging people for their taste!”

The man rolled his eyes, “I don’t care. Kisame, get this woman her diabetes in a cup.”

Kisame just sighed, and went to make the drink.

The woman glared at him, lips pulling up slightly. Sasori frowned at her, noticing the people waiting for her to move.

“Lady, you’re holding up the line,” he said, “Pay for your drink and move to the side.”

“No! I’m not paying for shit service!” she yelled, even stomping her heel into the floor. Sasori rose a brow at her childish attitude, then felt his own patience run thin, which was very little in the first place.

“Pay me, or leave without your ‘coffee’,” he seethed through his teeth.

“Where’s the fucking manager?!” she yelled, getting close to his face. He didn’t lean back, and instead got closer to her’s.

His patience was gone. 

Sasori jumped over the counter, making everyone scream. A sadistic grin made its way onto his face when she tried to run, and he tore off his uniform. The long coil in his stomach whipped out and impaled her, poison seeping into her blood.

The woman screamed, trying to pull the coil out of her stomach. Sasori felt his eyes go wide, and the grin just wouldn’t leave. Yes, she could be his puppet. Not a useful one, just a puppet to add to his collection of victims.

Before he could jump onto her and gut her, two arms held his waist back, and he glared at whoever it was.

“Chill out, my man!” Deidara yelled desperately, and Sasori let the man pull him back. The coil ripped out of her stomach, leaving it stained with blood.

The cafe was left empty once again with a dead body on the floor.

“I expected more from you,” Deidara frowned. Then, his brows rose in thought, “Actually, maybe I didn’t, yeah. You’re too impatient to work the register.”

Sasori shoved Deidara off of him, and angrily made his way back over the counter. 

“Guess Hidan and Sasori aren’t the ones for the register,” Kisame thought out loud, “Maybe Kakuzu should give it a shot? You’re good with money, right?”

Kisame looked at the masked man, who was giving him a glare.

The tall man crossed his arms, “Perhaps.”

“Okay. Let’s try that instead. Hidan, clean up that mess.”

“What the fuck?! Why not Sasori?!” Hidan yelled, pointing angrily at the redhead.

“It’s punishment for yesterday,” Kisame explained, handing the man a mop that came out of nowhere.

“What?! I had to clean up yesterday, too!”

“No, we all did,” Kakuzu intervened.

“Exactly. If tomorrow ends up with another damn murder, which I bet it will, then Sasori will clean it. That’s the new rule.”

Everyone mumbled, not exactly pleased.

When Kisame turned around, Kakuzu gave the man a nasty glare. The kind where his forehead wrinkled terribly.


	2. Kakuzu

“That’ll be $14.”

The younger man gave Kakuzu a look of shock, his eyes widening.

“For one black coffee?” he asked, beginning to grow suspicious.

“Yes,” Kakuzu answered curtly, staring down at the man.

“But I thought that it was $2.50,” he said, scratching his head. Kakuzu narrowed his eyes at him, and the young man swallowed nervously.

“It’s $14. Pay me.”

“U-Um, okay.”

The man handed Kakuzu a 20, and Kakuzu snatched it out of his hand, making him flinch.

Kakuzu speedily shoved it into the register, then yelled, “One black coffee.”

When the young man didn’t receive his change, he tried to immediately figure out a way to ask for it without pissing the intimidating man off. 

“Excuse me, sir-“

“Move,” Kakuzu growled, “You’re holding up the line.”

“I know, but-“

“Move.”

“I didn’t receive my change-“

“Move!”

The young man was suddenly gasping for air, and his horrified eyes looked down to see tendrils connecting the hand to the cashier’s arms.

He clawed at the hand, squeezing and trying everything he could to get it to release. His face turned purple, and his eyes rolled back.

Kakuzu narrowed his eyes, then released the grip.

The man gasped loudly, coughing violently as he held himself up on the counter. People were frozen, not believing what just happened.

As soon as Itachi placed the coffee on the counter, the man dipped.

Kakuzu turned, pretending as if he didn’t just choke out a man. Hell, he even got a 20 out of him.

“Next.”

Someone screamed, and everyone ran out of the cafe like animals.

Before the last one could escape, Kakuzu’s hand flew across the cafe, grabbing the back of an older man’s shirt. If he fucked up, he might as well get something out of it.

The man screamed, trying to pull away from the terrifying man. Kakuzu’s other hand flew out and snatched the man’s wallet.

The man cursed at him, and Kakuzu punched the counter, making it explode and break into pieces.

He stormed towards the man through the dust, and held him up once he reached him.

His hand wrapped around the man’s throat, and the other grabbed the top of his head. He then ripped his head off.

When he tossed the body and began counting the bills from the wallet, he ignored the surprised looks of the other members.

“I guess I was wrong,” Kisame said, and a few others nodded.

Kakuzu smirked at seeing a few hundreds. If he wasn’t a dick, he would have thanked Kisame for the opportunity.


	3. Tobi

“Maybe we should have someone who’s a bit...better...with people try,” Kisame suggested.

The Akatsuki looked at each other.

“None of us are, hm,” Deidara spoke, leaning back against the wall and crossing his arms.

“Tobi is! Tobi loves people, especially my senpai!”

Deidara yelled in surprise as the annoying man attached to him, and he shoved him off rather harshly.

“Get off, Tobi!”

“Wahh! So scary!”

Tobi ran from him, hiding behind Kisame. His masked face then looked up at the blue man.

“I really get to work the register?” he asked with child-like wonder. It was disgusting.

“Yes. Just, please don’t fuck up,” Kisame sighed, waving for Sasori to clean up the mess.

Sasori was already near the body, looking to see if the rest were watching. They weren’t. Good.

A slow smile appeared on his face as his scalpel reached for the man’s stomach.

“I’d say he’s our best choice,” Itachi suddenly spoke up, surprising everyone.

“Why’s that?” Deidara asked, hands on his hips, “The idiot would probably forget what to do.”

Itachi’s dark eyes looked over at the blonde, “The main problem is that we keep killing the customers. I don’t think I’ve seen him harm anyone before. The deal was to not harm anyone for...”

Itachi looked down, calculating how many months left they had.

“...three months. I believe he can do it.”

“Itachi believes in me?! Oh, that’s amazing!” Tobi spun dramatically, almost hitting the Uchiha in the face. The man glared darkly at him for a second, but no one caught it.

“Well, if Itachi thinks it’ll work, then I guess it will,” Kisame agreed. Inside, the man had certain doubts after seeing the fool dance around.

“Sasori, what the fuck, my man?!” Deidara suddenly yelled, leaning over the counter with a look of horror.

Sasori turned around, holding up the man’s liver. His guts and organs were piled on the ground next to him, and Deidara held his nose from the nasty smell.

“That reeks, yeah!”

“I’ll clean up once he has become a...masterpiece.”

“You don’t even have the tools, my man!”

“I’ll make it work.”

—

“Oh, I like your hat!”

“Um, thank you,” the teen girl said awkwardly, giving her friend a weird look.

“My name is Tobi!”

“Hina,” she said, giving him a tight smile. Her and her friend looked away, waiting for their lattes.

“Here are the lattes-“

“Oh, I’ll get it, senpai!”

Deidara stopped in his steps, unable to move away quick enough to avoid Tobi.

While Tobi moved to get them, Hina turned to her friend.

“Maybe he’s...special.”

“You could be right. Just try to be nice.”

The man next in line checked his watch, tapping his foot impatiently. This didn’t go unnoticed by Itachi.

“Tobi, you may want to hurry up,” the Uchiha called out to him.

“Oh, right!”

Tobi grabbed the lattes from Deidara, who glared dangerously at the man. His face turned red, and steam could have came out of his ears as he watched Tobi run back to the counter.

“Here we go! For Hina, and her friend-“

Tobi fell.

He slid across the floor, cracking his mask in the process. The lattes spilled everywhere, even onto Hidan’s feet. 

“Damn clutz! I knew you’d be shit, Tobi!” the Jashinist screamed, stepping harshly onto the man’s back before going to clean up.

Hina held a hand to her mouth, worriedly looking over the counter. 

“Are you okay, Tobi?!”

Tobi sat up slowly, rubbing his knees in the process. Then, he looked at the large spill on the floor.

Deidara watched as Tobi just stared silently at the mess. It was...unnerving.

Then, he jumped up, hand rapidly rubbing the back of his neck, “I’m sorry for that, Hina! Tobi is a bad boy for that! We will get you knew ones!”

“Uh, take your time!” she called out.

Hidan was already mopping the mess, muttering complaints to himself as he gave Tobi the evil eye.

Tobi looked around at everyone frantically, then scratched his head.

“Oh! That’s right!”

He ran up to the counter, waving at the man in line.

“Hello, good sir! You look very angry!”

“I am! You are taking forever! Are you stupid or something?!”

“Hey, lay off! This could be his first day on the job,” Hina yelled at the man, her friend giving her unsure looks.

“Tobi will make sure-“

“Shut up, kid! I have somewhere to be, and this stupid fuck is acting like an idiot!”

Hina flinched, now looking like she would cry.

Tobi went still, and discreetly looked around to see if the rest of the Akatsuki were paying attention. Most weren’t, as they had expected this. However, Deidara and Kisame were paying somewhat close attention.

Noticing his change of behavior, the man leaned in closer, giving the masked man a glare.

“I want an iced coffee with a donut. Don’t fuck up, dumbass.”

Tobi leaned in slightly, making the man see into his eye.

“I’ll get your coffee.”

The man’s eyes went wide from fear at the drop in Tobi’s voice, and watched as Tobi bounced away.

“Senpai, take over please!”

“Whatever, Tobi.”

Deidara handed the two girls lattes as he walked up to the counter, and Hina waved goodbye to Tobi in the process.

“He better hurry up,” the man said as he tapped his foot, moving to the side.

“You just gotta be patient with him, man. He’s an idiot, but he can’t really help it,” Deidara said as he leaned on the counter, taking the next person’s order with a bored expression.

“I’m back, senpai!”

“Alright. Give him the coffee and try to be quicker, yeah.”

Tobi saluted the man with his free hand, making Deidara roll his eyes and go back to his station.

Tobi then stilled in front of the man, setting the coffee down slowly.

“Oh yeah! I forgot the donut!”

He quickly got one from Itachi, and handed it to the man, who snatched it.

“Enjoy your drink! I made it specially for you.”

The man had already been sucking it down, and just glared at Tobi.

“Oh I bet.”

As soon as he turned around, his eyes widened as an ache settled deep in his stomach.

Then, it burned.

He clutched at his stomach, groaning and dropping to his knees. He couldn’t take it anymore, and cried out in pain as it burned. He felt something bubble up and leak out of his mouth.

Before he went out, he looked at the counter.

He swore he saw a flash of red in the man’s mask hole, and then he died.

Once again, people ran and screamed.

“What?!” Deidara yelled, looking between Tobi and the man on the floor.

“Oh my! It looks like Tobi made a mistake!”

The masked man rubbed his neck, turning away bashfully from the man he just poisoned.

“Made a mistake?! You killed him! How do you accidentally poison a drink?! Idiot!”

Deidara put Tobi in a choke hold, making his legs flail as Deidara yelled and cursed at him.

Kisame, once again, spoke his mind.

“I knew it. Too stupid for his own good. Well, I guess others could fill in. Deidara, you seemed good up there. How about you next?”

For once, a couple agreed. He seemed like he would be good at that. He was a talker, and wasn’t an idiot or stingy.

Deidara let go of Tobi, then glared at Kisame, “I don’t want to, but since everyone else is failing, I might as well, hm.”

This seemed promising. For once, they believed that Deidara could do something good. He could be the one to get them out of this.

Sasori from his corner glared at the blonde.

I know how this’ll go down. It takes one little remark to set him off, and then it’s over, he thought.

Sasori sighed.

Hopefully he doesn’t blow the whole damn place up.


	4. Deidara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is quarantine doing to me

“Why the fuck are these all burnt?” Hidan questioned, picking up the charred muffins.

“That was my fault, Hidan! I’m sorry!”

Tobi ducked when Hidan chucked one at him, running back to the kitchen.

“Can that idiot do anything?” Kakuzu asked as he stared at the charred muffins.

“How is Deidara doing?” Kisame questioned the two as he came out of the kitchen.

Kakuzu and Hidan looked at the current cashier.

“Oh no,” Kisame sighed, watching in horror as Deidara whipped out some clay, forming it into a bird, “What is he even doing? He has no reason to be making clay.”

“What the FUCK is that?!” an older woman yelled, pointing at the mouths on his hands.

“These,” he held up his hands, the mouths sticking their tongues out, “Are used to help form my art. Want to know what true art is?”

“No!” she yelled, moving away from the counter. Fuck her drink, this freak was creeping her out!

Deidara grinned at her, “True art is fleeting. It’s meant to be showed off for a moment then disappear soon after. Art that lasts too long loses its meaning. It is meant to explode! Watch, hm!”

“No one cares, and your art sucks! My five year old could create clay better than that!”

Before Deidara could lose his mind after that shit, someone slammed down a slice of banana bread in front of him on the counter.

“You see this? You see this shit?”

Deidara narrowed his eyes at him, “See what?”

The man grabbed something on the bread, and pulled it up.

“This is disgusting! A long strand of blonde hair on my food?! You better tie that shit up!”

Deidara growled through his teeth, and he felt like his anger would explode.

“Sir, we can get you a new one. You don’t have to yell,” Itachi spoke suddenly, coming up to the counter.

“You don’t need to! After this freak ruined everything, I ain’t coming back!”

People began to complain, and Deidara felt himself breath heavily, teeth grinding almost painfully. He has done nothing wrong, and now they are insulting him and his art?! He will show them his art!

“There he goes,” Sasori spoke up, watching the disaster unfold from his corner. He always seemed to be in that corner.

“You bastards had it coming,” the blonde muttered lowly to himself, holding up a hand sign.

The bird poofed, then began to fly around the cafe at a quick speed. Deidara grinned, eyes going wide as veins took over the whites. They will know true art!

The people watched it, confused. They had no idea the thing would explode.

“Deidara, don’t!” Kisame yelled at him, starting to get very pissed off. How hard was it to not kill anyone who makes you mad?!

Deidara wasn’t listening. At the moment, he couldn’t hear anyone yelling at him. His unhinged eyes were dilating rapidly, watching everyone start to get worried because of his art. 

When the bird circled around until it was hovering about the group of people in the center, Deidara took the chance.

“True art...”

Deidara yelled out. The bird exploded, and the whole cafe shook.

Everyone screamed at once, until they couldn’t. People flew through the glass windows, had their limbs blown off, and even got obliterated on the spot.

“...is an explosion!”

The smoke cleared, and it was almost as gruesome as Hidan’s massacre.

Then, the whole building shook violently, and pieces of the ceiling began to fall off and hit the floor.

Deidara’s look of insanity was cleared in an instant, and was replaced with shock.

“Shit! The whole building is gonna collapse!”

“And whose fault is that?!” Kakuzu yelled.

“Theirs for pushing me, yeah!”

“Whatever, we have to get out of here!” Kisame yelled out, smashing the glass windows with Samehada. One by one, they broke out of the building.

—

The Akatsuki were standing by, watching as the cafe collapsed onto itself.

They didn’t even have words.

When it finally was a pile of rubble, they blinked.

“That...was probably the worst outcome yet,” Sasori said, unable to look away from the destruction.

“What do we do now?” Kakuzu asked, looking at Deidara and contemplating whether to kill him or not.

“The day resets tomorrow, as I’ve said before. We will have to clean up all the bodies early before the customers come in. Not sure if we will have enough time for that,” Itachi frowned, rubbing his forehead in annoyance once again. He was getting very fed up by all of this.

“Will you be able to clean up in time?” Deidara questioned Tobi.

The masked man nodded enthusiastically, “Yes yes! I will make sure the bodies are gone! I won’t disappoint you, senpai! But you guys should stand outside!”

Deidara turned away, deciding to not respond. He was not in the mood, even if the destruction was beautiful.

Kisame turned to the group, “I guess Itachi could try tomorrow.”

Itachi closed his eyes, and grunted.

“Hm.”

“You’re not happy, are you?”

Itachi turned away.

—

The next day, the group waited impatiently as Tobi was cleaning up the bodies. For some reason, he forced them out there. It was odd, but Tobi was weird, so they didn’t question it.

Tobi opened up the front door, waving at the group, “Come in! Everything is cleaned up!”

Tobi hopped back inside, and the group was pleasantly surprised.

“Wow. That was quick, yeah,” Deidara muttered, looking at the spotless cafe, “How did you get rid of them all so quickly, Tobi?”

Tobi held a finger to where his lips would be on his mask, “Shh!”

Tobi ran back into the kitchen.

Deidara frowned. 

There was so much mystery to Tobi.


	5. Itachi

The girls giggled, blushing at the Uchiha.

“What can I get you?” he asked in a monotone voice.

“Your number!” one of them squealed.

Number? What number? These people were weird.

Itachi stared at them, waiting for them to say their damn orders.

He sighed silently through his nose, trying to calm his rising anger.

“You’re so cute! Are you single?” a brunette asked, getting close to his face which he did not like.

“What can I get you guys to eat or drink?” he questioned again, feeling his brows furrow slightly.

“His voice!”

“His lashes!”

“That calm attitude!”

Itachi’s brow twitched when he heard Hidan sniffle a laugh.

“You want something or not?” he asked lowly. He pulled his cap down, trying to hide his angered expression.

“Fine! Get us...7 caramel macchiatos!” the blonde one said, giving him a wink.

They paid, and Itachi went to give them their change.

“Keep it,” she smirked at him.

He didn’t respond. He stared at her for a moment, then calmly put it back in the register. 

Kakuzu grinned when he saw him put back the money. Yes...money.

Sasori sighed, and got to making 7 whole macchiatos. Everyday was almost the same. Everyday was a repeating, endless cycle. He now knew what hell truly was.

Itachi controlled himself unlike some people. He could have used amaterasu on them, but did he? No, because he’s better than that. He refused to act on emotions, and decided that he needed to use his head and stay calm. If he stayed calm, he would get them all through this.

For the next 6 months.

Six...months.

Itachi felt a bead of sweat drop down his face.

—

“Well shit! You’re the first one to pull through, Uchiha!” Hidan yelled, slapping the man on his back.

Itachi flashed his sharingan at him, but Hidan was already pestering Kakuzu.

“You looked pretty close to murdering them a few times, but I guess you somehow held yourself together, Itachi. I wonder if you can keep this up,” Kisame grinned at him.

Itachi closed his eyes.

“The others are too reckless. Lack of self control will just add more time,” he muttered quietly. 

“Yes, we know.”

Itachi opened his eyes, and stared at the floor.

This is far more tortuous than I thought it’d be. Brother...I hope you are doing well.

“You look sad, Itachi,” Kisame said to him, making sure only he heard it.

Itachi turned away, “It’s nothing.”

—

Itachi went through a whole week without harming anyone. It was very impressive.

Then, he went through 2 months.

There were a few times where impatient or rude customers tested him, but he took a deep breath, calmed himself, and somehow managed to handle the situation.

But one evening when they were cleaning up, Itachi stood outside of the cafe, and rubbed his eyes.

The headache just wouldn’t leave.

He sighed, and looked up at the red sky.

“Itachi?”

Kisame came out, and looked at him with a frown.

“Why the hell are you out here?”

Itachi looked up at the taller man, then casted his eyes downward at the ground.

“It’s nothing. I’ll come back in soon.”

“Well, alright then. Before that, I can’t help but ask...is this job becoming too much?”

Itachi felt his lips pull down, “It’s a simple job as a cashier. This is nothing. I’ve done far worse.”

Kisame looked at him quietly for a moment.

“Whatever you say.”

Then, the man went back inside.

Itachi watched as the door shut closed, and then looked up at the cafe sign that was standing a few feet away from the building.

His eyes narrowed, and he activated his Mangekyo Sharingan. The blood slid down his face.

“Amaterasu.”

The black flames swallowed up the sign until it became nothing but ashes on the ground.

Itachi turned around and went back inside.

—

“Kisame, can you fill in for me today?” Itachi asked the man as he put on his cap and tied back his hair.

“I guess. Is there something wrong?”

Itachi looked to the side, “I just need a break. I’ll get back to it tomorrow.”

“Alright.”

Itachi went to his station, and felt annoyed at seeing all the machines and cups.

Every damn day.

“It’s annoying, right?” Sasori said to him from his corner, “I don’t know how you can do it for so long without going insane. Don’t your fingers itch to just wrap around their throats and squeeze the life out of them?”

“No,” Itachi lied.

“Hm. Somehow I don’t believe you.”

Sasori walked away from his corner, and went to go to the kitchen to restock the baked goods.

The customers arrived slowly, and Itachi was slightly relieved to not have to deal with them for just one day.

He just hoped that Kisame wouldn’t ruin everything. He would stop him physically if he did. He wouldn’t let all of his hard work go to waste.


	6. Kisame

“Hello,” the blue man greeted the woman with a sharp smile, “What can I get you today?”

The woman froze, beginning to shake.

“I-Uh, can I get a muffin and some iced tea?”

“What kind of muffin?”

She stared into his beady eyes.

“Um...blueberry?”

It was only because of his blue skin. Her damn nerves were making her shaky. She didn’t even like blueberry that much! Damn.

“That’ll be $7.45,” he grinned.

Her shaky hands dug through her wallet, fishing around for a 10.

She dropped her wallet.

She felt eyes on her, and bent down quickly to pick it up.

“S-Sorry!” she stuttered, quickly taking out a 10 and handing it to him.

“No worries,” he said, handing her the change.

She stepped to the side, trying to calm her nerves.

Kisame was already handling the next customer.

Itachi watched him, surprised at how good he was at the job. He wasn’t rude nor impatient. He was quick as well, and for the first time in a long time, none of the customers got angry or upset.

He turned back to the machine, and continued to make the tea.

His lips were perked up so slightly it went unnoticed.

—

“Kisame, I think you should take over,” Itachi began as the rest of the group cleaned up.

“I agree,” Kakuzu said.

“I’m flattered,” the man smirked, “You sure you aren’t getting lazy, Itachi?”

The dark haired man went back to cleaning the counters. “Of course not. I just think you’re most suitable. I’m not exactly the most approachable.”

Suddenly, the manager door opened.

The rest of the Akatsuki tensed, and stood tall.

Pain and Konan entered the room, their presence powerful.

“I see you all have been keeping a streak here,” Pain’s deep voice said, “That is quite a surprise.”

“Yes, all thanks to Itachi. If it weren’t for him, we would be going on possibly a year now,” Kisame said, gripping Samehada tightly.

“I see,” Konan said.

“Well, keep it up. We are getting closer to the end.”

Pain then turned around, and went back through the door with Konan.

Hidan then clicked his tongue, “Why the hell do they not have to help?!”

“Be quieter, you dumbass,” Kakuzu said to him.

“Cause he’s the leader and gets to do whatever he wants, hm,” Deidara rolled his eyes, glaring at the stain on the counter. Fucking Tobi.

The blonde threw the wet rag at the masked man and pointed at the stain, “Clean up your damn mess, yeah!”

Tobi held up the rag.

“But Tobi doesn’t want to!”

Deidara gave him a dark glare.

“Ahh! Fine, senpai!”

“Better do it, you fucking idiot,” Deidara muttered to himself as he turned around.

“Hey, Itachi,” Kisame started, “How about we take shifts? We can alternate weeks.”

Itachi gave him a look of mild surprise, “I suppose that would work.”

They agreed, and the Uchiha felt relieved. He didn’t want to do it the whole time, in all honesty.

They felt like this might work.


	7. Akatsuki

“Kakuzu, did you change the damn prices again?” 

“Yes.”

“No one is gonna pay $30 for a latte, or $40 for a croissant!” Kisame yelled.

“If you lie and tell them it’s high quality, then it usually works. I’m just trying to help us earn some profit here.”

“You just want it for yourself.”

Kakuzu looked to the side, “I won’t deny it.”

Kisame glared at him again, then went to change the prices.

“Hey, how many more days of this, hm?” Deidara asked as he mopped the floor. Some dumb child spilled their hot chocolate all over the ground, leaving a sticky mess. 

“One more week,” Itachi sighed. 

To be honest, all of the members were sick of the routine. It was bearable at first, but not being able to murder those that deserved it was awful. Working at the cafe just wasn’t as exciting as the ninja life. 

But also, a couple were a bit apprehensive of what came after their was time up. 

Itachi rubbed his dark circles, ready for it to all be done and over with.

Hidan ‘accidentally’ broke one of the cookie jars, making everyone’s eye twitch.

Kisame found out that Kakuzu was hoarding a fuck ton of money. He wasn’t even surprised. He also somehow managed to steal 12 wallets. Kakuzu Just shrugged because he didn’t give a shit.

Sasori was currently in the back room with the door locked. When they caught a whiff of the stench that came through the door, they just knew not to ask.

Tobi was mopping the floors with Deidara, occasionally poking the blonde with his stick.

When he poked the back of his neck one last time, Deidara grabbed the mop and whacked Tobi so hard it broke.

All in all, it was a normal day.

Then, the last day came up.

Everyone gathered before the cafe opened, and for once, they all were very serious.

“This is the final day,” Itachi started, brows pulled down, “We cannot have any mess ups. No one is going to harm, nor kill anyone. I think I can speak for everyone when I say this is very dreadful. If anyone messes this up, then I will trap them in my Tsukuyomi, and I can guarantee you it will not be pleasant.”

The group nodded, agreeing.

“That goes for you especially, Hidan,” Itachi said, looking into his eyes.

“Hey, I’ve been holding back for fucking months now! Trust me, I’m not stupid enough to fuck up now.”

“Alright. Let’s finish this,” Itachi said.

The group nodded.

“Let’s put our hands together and go ‘1,2,3, Akatsuki’!” Tobi yelled, jumping up excitedly.

“Oh, fuck that shit.”

“Are you stupid?”

“Get outa here with that cheesy shit, Tobi.”

To top it off, Deidara smacked him harshly, “Don’t say that, Tobi! We aren’t fifth graders in la la land!”

Tobi sulked.

Then, everyone went to their stations.

Itachi walked up to the register, tightening his low ponytail. Just one more day.

Deidara and Sasori stood at the machines, ready for all orders.

Hidan and Kakuzu stood at the baked goods.

Kisame and Tobi went back into the kitchen.

Nothing would mess this up. 

—

It was all going well. Itachi was so pleased with the progress, he could actually smile right now. Too bad having to murder his own clan and parents along with torturing his brother made that a bit difficult.

While the line was still long, a certain pair came out of hiding.

Pain and Konan emerged, no emotion on their faces.

“How is everything going?” Pain asked Itachi, who was listening as he took someone’s order.

“Well. This is our last day,” the Uchiha answered with a look of concentration.

“I see. That’s good.”

Konan watched Hidan hand off a muffin with a raised brow. Not a smirk or look of insanity in sight. Working normally could really change a person, huh?

As soon as Pain turned around, a gasp was heard from the line. His eyes simply looked over at the woman.

“Ew! What did you do to your face?”

Itachi froze, his eyes widening a fraction.

The rest did the same, afraid of what may come.

At the silence, Kisame and Tobi peaked out of the kitchen door.

“What?” Pain asked, but it didn’t sound like a question.

“Those piercings are disgusting. You look hideous.”

Pain stared at her.

“Know pain.”

“No!” multiple members shouted.

Before Pain could lift his hand up, the Akatsuki sprung into action.

Sasori immediately attached strings to the man, yanking him out of balance. Kakuzu threw his hands out, restraining him. Deidara made a clay centipede to wrap around him, holding a hand sign up as a threat.

The people in line stilled, not believing what they just saw.

Konan coughed, “Why don’t we go back into the office?”

Pain blinked at her, not believing that his own members had just used their justu on him.

“Don’t be mad at us, yeah! That would have ruined everything if you harmed them,” Deidara called out.

Pain ignored him, and took a deep breath.

“Fine. Let’s go back in before I kill someone.”

Slowly, the members released their restraints, and watched tensely as their leader went back into the room.

The door closed.

“Ignore what just happened. He was just joking! Come on, people, get your food and drinks here,” Kisame said, trying to make the people feel less uncomfortable.

The man next in line reluctantly walked up to Itachi.

“Can I get a scone?”

—

The day was over, and they had successfully completed their many months of work.

Pain and Konan joined them soon after, and they all wondered what would come next.

They exited the cafe, and the world outside was burning brightly. When they turned around to look at the damn place, it was gone.

They wouldn’t miss it. Not one bit.

The heat surrounded them, but it didn’t bother them at all.

Anything was better than working at that shitty place.


	8. Aftermath part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of the members’ true hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure if this is as interesting as the previous chapters, but I decided to continue with the true hell that Tobi, Deidara, and Sasori will experience lmao. They work at a nice, fun water park. 
> 
> If some of the jobs are inaccurate, then I apologize. This is just for fun for me

Apparently, that was only just the beginning of their never ending torment.

Once the heat enveloped each of them, all they saw was a white light similar to when they died. When the Akatsuki woke up, they weren’t back at the cafe.

No, they woke up in a different place entirely.

Separated.

Tobi was the first to wake up after the light. A dry heat made him uncomfortable, and he blinked once he took everything in.

First, he was sitting upright in a chair. The sun was shining down over him, and he smelled something entirely foreign and unpleasant. It was almost like some type of chemical. When he looked down, he realized that he had no shirt on. His mask was still on, at least. A weird item hung around his neck, and an oval shaped float device was on his lap. 

A shrill scream made him flinch, and he looked down in alarm towards the noise. Was someone dying? Getting tortured?

He tilted his head when the site of deep blue and a bunch of heads filled his vision. 

The screaming came from children playing in a large hole filled with water. Tobi silently concluded that the water was where that nasty chemical scent was coming from.

His shoulders tensed, and his mind became overwhelmed with how weird and different everything was. The cafe was easier to work at since it was similar to a few shops and restaurants from back when he was alive. This? This was too overwhelming.

Too much went on at once. People were violently splashing water, kids were screaming, crying, and running on the concrete. People were even sitting outside of the pool.

‘What the hell is this? I don’t even see any other Akatsuki around here. Why am I sitting so high up? What the hell is even around me right now? I thought that damn cafe was the last of it-‘

His thoughts were interrupted when a voice called out to him. One all too familiar...

“Oi! Tobi!” 

Tobi almost forgot to pretend to be an idiot, so he dramatically looked around the area for Deidara with a dramatic gasp.

“Senpai? Deidara-senpai, is that your voice I hear?! Or are you in my head?! Oh no!” 

His voice was silly and exaggerated, but it didn’t match the emotionless expression he wore under his mask. It never did.

“Look up, idiot! I’m at the top of this huge slide! It’s so unartistic that I want to just blow it up!”

He listened to the ‘Shut up kid, I wasn’t joking’, and found Deidara waving at him from up above.

Tobi waved back enthusiastically, and was about to climb down and meet up with him before an angry mother yelled at him.

“Hey!” she screamed, making Tobi abruptly stop his descend, “You’re the lifeguard! You can’t just leave your post!”

‘Lifeguard?’ Tobi thought in confusion, ‘What the fuck is a lifeguard?! Maybe I can just use kamui to escape. I need to find Deidara and see what the hell this place is.’

Tobi’s mask hole looked the woman dead in the eye, and he used kamui to teleport to Deidara. He made sure to do it when Deidara wasn’t looking, of course. People who didn’t know jutsu just always thought they were hallucinating or high, so he didn’t worry about people seeing him.

Once he was at the top, he appeared behind Deidara, who was looking extremely pissed off at a child who was waiting to go down the slide.

“I’m scared!” the child whined, fat tears falling down his face as Deidara gave him an annoyed glare. “I want my mommy!”

Deidara finally had enough, so he stomped over to where the child was sitting. “You wanna see your mom? I’ll help you with that, hm.”

Deidara then gave the kid a shove, and the poor guy screamed as he went down the water slide.

When Deidara found Tobi behind him, he grabbed the fool and shoved him towards the corner of the platform.

“Tobi, I thought we were done!” Deidara hissed, then warily looked over at the line of kids, who were all staring at them in fear. “These annoying brats just won’t stop coming and apparently I have to tell them when to go. I think I saw Sasori down there working at the ice cream shop. How the hell did you get up here, yeah?”

“Shhh.” Tobi pressed a finger to his mask. “It was my new technique, Line Skip Jutsu! Don’t tell anyone about it! Tobi woke up in a daze in that chair down there!” He then directed his finger towards the ground, and watched as Deidara nodded while looking.

“I see. I heard some lady call you a ‘lifeguard’. Whatever that means. Sounds stupid. Anyway, come on! Let’s ditch this shitty place and get Sasori! I’m not doing this job shit anymore. If I spend any longer here, I’m gonna drop a C3 bomb on this entire place! Come on, we’re getting out of here!” Deidara grabbed Tobi, and the two shoved their way through the line of kids. Deidara shoved one so hard he fell down, but he didn’t care.

The two ran towards the crowded ice cream shop. When Tobi glanced over at the pool, everyone was screaming something about ‘they’re drowning’. He simply moved his gaze away when he saw a butterfly.

“Pretty-!”

Deidara slapped him. “Now’s not the time, Tobi! 

Tobi sulked and continued running.

They reached the shop, and both tried to see who was at the window.

Sasori’s typically sleepy, brown eyes were narrowed in anger. His red hair was hidden in a cap, and he was wearing some uniform. People in line were staring in disbelief at the rudeness Sasori was displaying.

“That’s clearly not enough. Can you even count? You’re the fourth customer today that didn’t pay me the right amount!” Sasori snapped angrily at the man.

The man’s face flushed in embarrassment, but he scoffed at Sasori’s outburst then said, “Hey man, you didn’t need to scream at me like that. You need to check your damn attitude.”

“And you need to go back to first grade and learn how to count your money, you pathetic excuse for a human!” Sasori seethed.

Deidara himself was surprised at the raw anger in Sasori’s voice. He angered easily, but never has he heard his voice rise like that.

Once those brown eyes finally found the pair, Sasori rolled his eyes as if their very existence ruined his entire day.

He jerked his head towards the back of the shop, so Tobi and Deidara made their way over.

Sasori opened the back door, and he immediately took off his cap and waved his...sweating face?

“You’re sweating?” Tobi and Deidara asked in unison.

Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say.

“Yes, I’m sweating!” Sasori slapped his forehead, then wiped off the sweat in exasperation. “I’m sweating like a human! My puppet body is gone, and now all of these disgusting and humanly reactions are ruining everything!”

Deidara held up his hand then said, “I’ve noticed that my mouths are gone, too. What about you, Tobi?”

The artist duo looked expectantly at Tobi, but the masked man just shrugged. “I don’t know. I still have my Line Skip Jutsu, though!”

Sasori sighed, “Well, what do we do now? I can’t work another job, especially one at some disgusting park where kids piss in the pools and adults crowd at every area-“

“TOBI!”

The three turned towards the angered yell, and saw a woman with the same items as Tobi walking towards them. She went straight up to Tobi, and yelled, “What the hell were you doing?! While you just got up and left, someone almost drowned in the pool! One of the parents had to save them! You’re fired!”

Tobi stared at her blankly.

“Okie-dokie!”

She then looked over at Deidara. “You as well. I had a parent complain about her child getting pushed down, and the kids said you were talking about blowing up the slide. You two are sick. What are you, some psychopaths?”

“What about me?” Sasori spoke up, “I yelled at customers today.”

“You’re not my problem.”

“Damn it.”

She left.

“Well,” Sasori began, putting his cap back on, “I’m gonna go get fired.”

“Hm, we’ll wait for you here.”

“Whatever.”

—

“W-What?! I’m back here?!”

Deidara stared in horror at the rushing water slide and line of kids. 

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”

Sasori stared emotionlessly at the customer’s face as she ordered ice cream.

Tobi’s breath hitched when two teens asked him the directions to the bathroom as he sat in his seat.

They not only couldn’t kill anyone and lost some of their jutsu, but they couldn’t even get fired.

The true hell had just begun.

—


	9. Aftermath Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring a confused firefighter Hidan who tries to kill his ‘captors’ with the hose Jashin supposedly gifted him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are so fun to write lmao I just had to come back and continue. I was thinking of having Kakuzu’s chapter be him as a therapist. Not sure what I will do for Itachi and Kisame’s job. Like Tobi, Deidara, and Sasori, I think I will have the pair in the same one.

Hidan yelped at the horribly loud sound.

His whole body jerked, and he frantically took in his surroundings. He was inside some large, moving contraption, and there were people wearing odd suits in the object with him.

An annoying noise was giving him a headache, and his eyes followed the passing scenery outside. Woah, the buildings were huge! His eyes went wide. Where even was he?!

He was being tied down-he must have gotten captured!

When he looked down to see what was tying him down, he saw it was some strap across his neck and his waist. He discreetly gave it a tug to not alarm his captors, but the strap around his waist wouldn’t move. He was also dressed like the others. 

“Hehehe...” he chuckled slowly, giving his captors a sly smile as he observed them. They didn’t seem like ordinary shinobi. Once he was freed, he could just find his scythe and sacrifice them to Jashin. All he needed was one drop of blood, and he would send these nonbelievers on their knees and have them begging for mercy. 

“Uh, is something funny, Hidan?” the man seemingly controlling the contraption asked dubiously.

Hidan felt the chuckle evolve into a slightly more deranged laugh. He squeezed the strap, and turned to face him fully. “Oho yeah, you heathens thinking you could actually capture me has me laughing at how stupid you bastards are. As soon as I’m freed, I’m gonna get my scythe and slit your throa-“

“We’re here,” the controller said, effectively cutting Hidan off. 

The albino made a confused sound, letting his guard down for a moment as everyone started to move out of the object. He whipped his head around to follow their actions, slightly confused at how they were just leaving him. 

Well, perfect! He would take the opportunity to kill them as soon as they were distracted.

A girl, the last one inside besides him, gave him a hurried look as she rapidly waved her hand. “Come on! Unbuckle your seat belt and help us!”

Seat...belt?

“Eh?” Hidan felt his face fall as he squinted his eyes at the ridiculous word. She already went outside.

It took a while, but the gears started turning in his head. He was sitting in a seat, and he had something like a belt around his waist. Ah, seat belt. 

Hidan remembered her saying ‘unbuckle’, so that must mean to undo. His hand slid around the belt, trying to find a release.

He finally found a square thing that was attached to the belt, and he messed with it until he finally pressed on the red button, making the strap release.

He jumped up as soon as he was free, and grinned at the group outside through the window. Now was time for some sweet revenge.

However, when he searched for his scythe, it was nowhere to be found. His captors seemed to be pretty smart.

When he finally stepped outside, he was hit by a blast of hot air. He shielded his face, then looked up to see a building engulfed by flames. 

“Jeez, it’s so damn hot out here! And that seat belt hurt my neck,” he complained, rubbing the skin.

“Hidan!” 

He turned to see who dared to yell at him, and saw someone point desperately at the contraption he was in previously.

“Get the hose and help us out!” the man yelled.

Hidan’s mouth fell open.

And just what the fucking hell was a fucking hose?!

He had enough, so be retaliated in anger, “What the fuck are you talking about, huh?!”

The man left to go do something else, leaving Hidan very confused once again.

Hidan threw his hands up in frustration, and looked at the red object to see where the fuck this ‘hose’ was. All his years on the run, he never heard of such a thing.

A compartment of the red thing was open, and Hidan ran over to it. A large tube was coiled with an opening at the end. Perhaps this was a hose?

He began to uncoil it. He pointed the end towards the home, and listened as someone told him to turn it on. 

After some very hard thinking for his small brain to do, he turned it on.

He fell on his ass at how high pressure was. Water sprayed everywhere, and he had to keep a tight grip to hold it.

Wait. 

Hidan’s violet eyes gazed over at his captors.

A dark chuckled escaped his lips as he began to stand up and make his way over to his captors. With this weapon that Jashin must have gifted him, he could kill those nonbelievers! 

“Ahahaha!” Hidan cackled, running towards his captors while aiming the powerful hose in their direction. The look of insanity struck fear into the cores of the captors.

They yelled at him to stop and asked if he was insane. Did they really ask? Of course he was! 

He sprayed them up close, and everyone began to yell and panic as they got blasted. Hidan narrowed his eyes once they weren’t immediately killed on the spot. 

So, he got up to the one closest to him and swung the hose at him, and began to beat the man with it as best as he could.

“Where did you bastards hide my scythe?!” Hidan screamed as he whacked the man and sprayed the hose at his face.

The gurgling sounds were drowned out by the water, and Hidan grinned when he realized that he could just drown the man as he was on the ground.

Before the man could drown, however, something odd occurred.

Everything went dark.

And when he woke up, it was to those damn noises again.

“EHH?! Why am I back here?! Lord Jashin, is this some damn test?!”

It got silent. Hidan felt eyes on him, and when he turned around, everyone in the red thing was giving him a wary look.

“I’ll kill you bastards this time, I’ll make sure of it!”

He didn’t. He never does.

Without his scythe and lord Jashin, Hidan had nothing.

This was his true hell.


	10. Aftermath part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring “pro” soccer players Itachi and Kisame. Itachi is a forward, and Kisame is a goalie. Both are shit.

Itachi and Kisame had awoken.

“What the fuck are we wearing?” Kisame asked Itachi, leaning down and pulling at the socks that went up his calves.

Itachi wondered the exact same thing.

Dark eyes took in the surrounding area.

They were sitting on a bench, sweating for some damn reason, and people were around them screaming and cheering. However, his eyes landed on two people passing a ball on the field with their feet, which was actually familiar to him. He’s seen children pass a ball to each other before. Though, he doesn’t understand why there were so many damn people watching.

Itachi leaned in closer to Kisame and whispered, “It’s another trial I bet. Perhaps a profession we have to work at once again. How annoying.”

“I agree.” Kisame huffed in annoyance.

Itachi felt an incredible thirst, so he chugged the water bottle sitting next to him. What could he have possibly been doing to work up such a sweat? It couldn’t have been simple endurance, right? 

A man wearing the same socks and shirt came to halt once he saw Itachi.

“Hey, I wouldn’t chug all of that. Remember what coach said about too much water? You’ll get awful ass cramps.”

Itachi froze. “Cramps? What-“

And then Itachi and Kisame were forced out into the giant field.

“What am I-“

Kisame was cut off when a man wearing a jersey that was a different color came by, slapped his arm, and said, “Good luck out there! This team is pretty tough. You’ve got the height advantage, though, so I’m sure you’ll save some shots!”

Then he ran off.

Kisame frowned, and then tentatively walked towards the goal that people were pointing at. 

He ended up standing in front of it and watching as everyone else moved into position. 

He scratched his head. “What in the hell is this?”

Then he saw poor Itachi stand cluelessly in the middle of the field, looking around like a child who lost their parent in a store.

Kisame couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. He himself was just as lost.

“Itachi, get in position!”

He couldn’t get into fucking position. He didn’t even know the rules. His brows furrowed at the man who yelled at him. On instinct, he tried to activate his sharingan.

Tried.

It didn’t work. A slight gasp escaped his lips as he kept trying to summon the dojutsu.

Eventually, someone grabbed him and shoved him onto the circle. He was standing near two teammates.

“You’re forward, Itachi!” his teammate yelled, getting spit all over Itachi’s face, “Are you high or some shit?! You better get your head in the game!”

Itachi was in the middle of grimacing in disgust as his teammate walked to his position.

The other team got into place, and then the game started.

The other team started with the ball, and they began to pass it strategically to midfield then defense. Itachi whipped his head around at all of his teammates beginning to run. They stepped in front of their opponents, ran after the ball, and called out for a pass.

Itachi hadn’t moved an inch.

He looked back at Kisame, saw the slightest shake of his blue head, and then sighed.

He was on his own.

“Itachi, start running! You’re forward, get up there and try to score a goal!” one of the defense urged from behind him.

But then what?? How does he pass correctly? How does he shoot powerfully like the others? How does he steal the ball without breaking their legs? 

Itachi’s head was swimming with uncertainty, and it was entirely foreign. He didn’t like it at all. If he had studied every single rule and possible strategy, then perhaps he would want to go up there and score. But no, this entire concept is unknown to him.

People began to yell and boo at him, which made him exhale from his nose in anger as his eyes darkened. Fuck this, he would much rather be back at the cafe. At least Kisame doesn’t even have to move.

Reluctantly, Itachi began to run. It looked like he had a stick up his ass with how awkwardly he was jogging up the field.

His team was already down there with the ball. He observed the way they moved, and noted that he should get into an open area to get a shot.

He moved to the top of the box, and immediately someone was aggressively guarding him while repeating turning to stare at him. They even held their arm up to push him back.

How annoying.

‘Amaterasu,’ Itachi thought in his mind, making his eyes go wide as he stared at the opponent.

It didn’t work.

The asshole began grabbing his arm, and out of quick frustration, Itachi ripped it out of his grip and tried to move away.

“Itachi!” 

Alarmed, Itachi looked across the field, and saw a ball hurling through the air straight at him with perfect accuracy.

Does he let it bounce, then kick? Does he head it? Use his chest? Leg? Fuck, his hand?! He didn’t know! 

The person guarding him before tried to get in front of him to take it, but Itachi wasn’t letting that happen.

Itachi then used his body to shove the opponent with his shoulder, making him stumble out of the way. 

Before Itachi could even touch the ball, the opponent was suddenly on the ground, cradling his leg, and screaming.

Whistles were blown, and yells of ‘He didn’t even kick him!’ and variations were thrown around the field.

Itachi looked down at the pitiful lump on the ground. The man’s face was red and scrunched up as if his leg just got blown off in a war.

“Get up. You’re fine,” Itachi spoke firmly.

The opponent just whined even louder.

Itachi’s fist clenched. What a useless weakling.

Itachi went up to his closest teammate as the man was getting helped up, and got his attention.

“Why is he reacting like that when I didn’t hurt him?”

“It’s just a nasty ‘tactic’ to have the ball go to the other team and get it cleared out of their side. People do it all the time.”

Itachi was done with this.

The game went on. The ball was mainly on the opposing team’s side, and Itachi tried to ‘mark up’ so that he didn’t have to actually touch the ball.

However, he got horribly unlucky.

The ball suddenly rolled to Itachi, and he realized how close he was to the goal.

This was it! This was his moment!

He swung his leg back, and was ready to use his fully power to blast it at the goalie. Maybe he can escape this place after scoring?

His leg swung down, and his slammed the ball with his toe.

...And it was the most pathetic kick ever seen in a pro game.

He hit too high on the ball, so it just quickly rolled straight at the goalie, who picked it up and hid a laugh into his hand.

Then came the boos.

“What the fuck was that?!”

“Itachi, that was pathetic!”

“Jesus Christ, that’s how my brother kicks in rec!”

‘Amaterasu, Tsukuyomi, Susanoo...’ Itachi tried everything he could, but it was futile.

It only got worse as time went on.

Kisame felt his heart quicken as one opponent was speeding past the defense and straight at the goal. He held his gloved hands up, getting frozen in place as he got closer and closer.

“Oh god, oh fuck, oh shit-“ Kisame muttered out repeatedly. It was so much damn pressure.

Out of panic, Kisame sprinted up and slammed his body into the opponent and absolutely crushed him with his body.

Whistles were blown aggressively, and everyone began to shout, yell, and run over.

“I-I can’t-!” The body under him weezed, grabbing desperately at his own chest.

Kisame chuckled as he got up, “Whoops, sorry about that. I’m a little heavy.”

“Can’t-breathe...!” the man gasped, inhaling desperately to get air into his lungs.

Two medics immediately came over, and gently pressed against the man’s chest.

“He’s broken a few ribs. We need to get him to the hospital,” one of them explain.

And then Kisame was kicked out and now sitting on the sidelines.

In Kisame’s mind, the man would have been just fine if he had worked on his muscles a little more. All of that running just made him a stick that snapped. He was totally not in the wrong.

Itachi was immediately subbed out at half time because he sucked and even caught the ball, resulting in everyone laughing at him.

The Uchiha sat down on the bench next to Kisame, and began chugging that water bottle again. As he stood up to throw it away, his side tightened. Fucking cramps.

“I’m sick and tired of this,” Itachi mumbled, wiping his mouth as he sat back down, “My body is worn out from running already. It’s pathetic. I don’t know anything about this activity, either.”

“Well, at least you didn’t break a man’s ribs just from falling on him.”

Itachi looked down. “I suppose you’re correct, Kisame.”

When the second half started, both men just mournfully watched the terrible game that they were being forced to play, constantly reminded of the horrible mistakes they had already made. 

Kisame had a whole drink thrown at his face for injuring a player.

Itachi was booed and made fun of for sucking so bad.

After the game, the next day came, and they were forced out there like none of today’s events had even happened.

This was their true hell.


End file.
